We Will Make It Work

Long story short.....we decided to work it out.

There are some things that I am sure Zach would not want me to share with you.  But, the reason for his e-mail and feelings were beyond his control.

He is on his way to "normal", and apologized for everything that happened.

The babies and I are back in our home (thank goodness because it killed me whenever my children asked to go home).

Are we back to how we were a month ago, no.  Will get back to that place?  Yes, I believe we will.

I am sure it will be a long and difficult road, every marriage is.

What we learned:  Marriage is hard-work, and something you need to work at each and every day.

You Grow A Little More Every Day

Friday night, I was done.  It was a hard day.  The kiddos were CRAZY!

Well, I don't want to blame it all on the kiddos.  I was up most of the night was Ady.  I was exhausted.  And....I would guess, so was Ady.

Anyway, after Zach got home I went on a little drive.  I needed it.  I drove to a nearby town and picked up some soda to feed my brother's caffeine addiction.  And don't worry, he gave me money for his soda.  I didn't spend a dime.

While I was on my drive someone called in to the Delilah show.  This woman was saying how thankful she was that her husband "chose her" over the most recent ex-girl friend.

I TOTALLY related to this feeling.  Delilah, however, asked her why she felt like he chose her.  Why didn't she look at their relationship as "meant to be", and not a choice as to which person was better?

Again, this struck me.

My husband was engaged to another woman prior to us meeting, about 6 months before we started dating their relationship ended.  He did continue to have a "internet" relationship with her for a while, and it bothered me.  A lot.

I couldn't understand why Zach would want to be friends with someone who hurt him so badly. It hurt me.  I felt as if he was still wanting to be with her.  He still wanted to live out his life he had planned out with her.  About 6 months into our relationship, we had a discussion on his relationship with her and I expressed how unhappy I was with his relationship.  When all was said and done, I asked him to choose.  Which one, me or her?

He obviously, ultimately chose me.  However he still, occasionally, speaks to her.  It has really bothered me in the past, to the point of feeling like I was "emotionally" cheated on.  (Mostly because he tries so hard to hide it.)

I am going to try and think of it as he didn't chose me, we were "meant to be".  Everything happens for a reason.  We have a beautiful family together, and will do whatever it takes to stay together forever.

What realizations have you had in your marriage recently?  Did you ever think marriage was so much work?  I know I sure didn't.

I Am An Expert At Relationship Advice

Not really, I am always in need of good relationship advice.  :)

Last night I was upset and hurt.  I vented to a very dear friend of mine, and she is so sweet!

I realized that it is going to take me a long time to forget the past, especially when promises made are not being kept.

I explained to my husband what was going through my mind, and I asked him how he felt our relationship was.  He told me a couple of things that have been bothering him, and we talked late into the night.....which means I am extra tired today because the kids woke up at the crack of dawn.  :(

Anyway, the point of this post is: check in with your husband (or wife, but I am afraid most of my readers are women).  Ask him what is wrong.....explain the issues that are bothering you.  Believe me, it is better to deal with them before you have a million "problems" to share with your spouse.

A couple months ago I heard this wise piece of advice, from an unlikely source.  The Teenager has told me something in confidence, and we went to talk about it later.  The only "problem" was that Z was in the room....so, The Teenager asked me if I had told him.  I tried to avoid the question, but then The Teenager said these words:  "I expected you too, that's what married people do.  Share all their secrets."

So, if you have a secret or have this problem you need to share with your husband....just do it.  It is what married people do.

What a wise young teenager.

Forgiveness

I decided today that I am going to forgive my husband.

For the last several days I have been processing information.  Filing away all these little phrases from our conversation(s), and trying to make sense of it all.  Which is quite a difficult task when the conversation/phrases don't always make sense to you.

Aah, anyway.  I discovered Courtney through Money Saving Mom's blog last week, and I have been slowly watching all of her You-tube videos.  Here is the one that spoke to me the most: 




While this has been a challenging decision to come to, I am ready to jump in.

I believe that while my husband and I might not always agree or get along for that matter, we are meant for each other.  I do not believe that divorce is an option.  I will do anything to make my marriage work.  However, like I said before, some things will have to change in order for our marriage to become successful.

These are the things that I know for sure:  We will have our problems, we will get through them, and I will always love him.

Diary of a Mad Woman: Part 2

So, where did I leave off?  Oh right, I left you just before I went in to "talk" to him.

He said that he needed to talk to her to "let go" (as I said in my previous post), and he didn't tell me because he didn't think that I would understand.  The reason he claims he wanted to "let go" was because she broke his heart, and because of that he is afraid to love me as deeply for fear of getting hurt.

The first thing that popped into my head when I heard this was, "why did you marry me (or even date me for that matter) if you couldn't love me completely?"  I get that people get hurt in relationships.  I have been hurt in relationships.  I just don't think you should allow your past negative experiences to be brought into your new relationship.  Each new relationship should be a fresh start, not a extension of the last relationship.   Now, I don't mean that you can't learn from previous relationship.  I just mean that you shouldn't hold things your past partner did against your new one.

Man, I am not making much sense.  Feel free to disregard that last paragraph.

Then we continued talking about how we both felt, and Zach basically came to the conclusion that he is an ass (I agree with this statement).  He sees that he is treating me the same way Amanda treated him during their relationship, and obviously we all know how that relationship worked out since he is now married to me.

I feel: uncertainty, lack of trust, hurt, a hole in my chest, a lump in my throat, tired, not ready to forgive, pain, hatred, betrayal.  And others, I am sure....but, I am too tired to articulate these feelings/emotions.

I am hestitant to put this out there, but I think that I will.  I might take it down later, but for now I think I will share.  Here is the screen shot from his conversation.  This is not all of it, but he has since deleted the entire thread (which is shady in and of itself)....anyway, it is proof nonetheless.

Like I said before, it was pretty tame.  I just don't like the secrets.  What's with the secrets?

He has promised to be better.  To start acting like we are in a relationship.  Show me that  you care.  Do you know that he has NEVER asked me on a date?  All of our dates have been because of my planning.  I have tired to get him involved in the process, but he hasn't wanted to. 

I hope that our relationship can change for the better.  I am looking ahead, and want to stay married to him.  But, only if some things change.  He needs to stop treating me like his mother.

Oh, yeah.  That was another revelation that we discovered last night.  I am not really his wife, just his Mom.  I have to nag him to unload the dishwasher and take out the trash (basically his only 2 "jobs" around the house).  Yeah, what a shock.  I have three children.  Who knew.

Anyway.  Things will be changing around here.  Who knows how exactly, but there needs to be change.

Thanks for listening, and all your kind comments/e-mails/tweets regarding this situation.  I greatly appreciate all your thoughtful words and encouragement.

I hope y'all have a fabulous weekend.  :)

The Diary of a Mad Woman

I am shaking I am so pissed off right now.

My only words to him were:  "Hand me my pillow and blanket".  His response: "Why?".  Me:  "Because I don't want to sleep with someone who talks to their ex-fiance."

I don't know, how would you have handled it?

I am fucking pissed.

Alright, here is how everything went down.  I asked him for his Facebook password so I would see the message from his Aunt regarding a "family reunion" we are attending on Sunday (they sent the details to him, and not to me....surprise, surprise (even after I requested the information be sent to me!)).  He offered up his fucked up password, and I logged into his account.

I do not ordinarily go through his personal shit (well, I did in the beginning of our relationship....but, he was being really shady), and this time was no exception.  I simply clicked on his messages and looked for the one from his Aunt.  But, guess what I found instead?  The first message in his inbox was from his ex, Amanda.  (Btw, I fucking hate that name....sorry if you are named Amanda and are reading this.  No offense to you, but this particular Amanda ruined the name for me.)

Now, I do have to say that the messages themselves were pretty harmless.  However, a couple things are bothering me.  One) Why didn't he tell me he decided to contact her?  Two) Why have a back and forth conversation throughout the day, while at work, but he can't answer me when I call him?  Three) What's with the "flirtatious" tone to his messages?

God, I feel like I am going to puke.

Shortly after I asked him for my pillow and blanket he came out into the living room and said that he needed to send her a message for "closure".  Shouldn't he have "closed" the "situation" before we got married?  Yeah, I think so.

I have an ex who tries to get in touch with me, from time to time.  And do you know something?  The first thing I do after I receive the text/e-mail/whatever is call Zach.  I ALWAYS let him know about anything I think might be "bad" for our relationship.  I want to be open and honest.  Apparently, he does not.  These "conversations" with my ex are nothing.  We ask how each other is doing, and about our families.  Then he says "he misses me", and I say I am happy in my marriage and do not want to have that type of relationship with him.  Then it's over....for at least a couple of months.

Anyway, I just received a text message from him (yes, he is just in the other room) saying that "he wants to talk".  I don't know what I have to say.  I think that I have been more than forgiving with him and "Amanda", and I am not sure if I can do it again.

Thanks for listening.

Sorry if there are any spelling/grammatical errors.  I am too upset to check over everything.  Maybe I will tomorrow....but for now you will just have to "read between the lines".  And I also apologize for the profanity.  I don't normally swear, well....except when I am upset.  Obviously.

Little Words

Within the last couple of weeks, my husband said these words to me "I'd rather be home than anywhere else."

I love that he said that (he really does melt my heart), but it makes me more conscious of what I say.

Sometimes I try to make him feel guilty for spending time away from our family, but I shouldn't.

He rarely does anything without us, and when he is doing something without us it is because someone asked him to do something. He never makes plans, himself, to spend time away from our family.

I really appreciate everything he does for our family. Like I said in this post, I couldn't ask for a better husband and partner in life.