You Grow A Little More Every Day

Friday night, I was done.  It was a hard day.  The kiddos were CRAZY!

Well, I don't want to blame it all on the kiddos.  I was up most of the night was Ady.  I was exhausted.  And....I would guess, so was Ady.

Anyway, after Zach got home I went on a little drive.  I needed it.  I drove to a nearby town and picked up some soda to feed my brother's caffeine addiction.  And don't worry, he gave me money for his soda.  I didn't spend a dime.

While I was on my drive someone called in to the Delilah show.  This woman was saying how thankful she was that her husband "chose her" over the most recent ex-girl friend.

I TOTALLY related to this feeling.  Delilah, however, asked her why she felt like he chose her.  Why didn't she look at their relationship as "meant to be", and not a choice as to which person was better?

Again, this struck me.

My husband was engaged to another woman prior to us meeting, about 6 months before we started dating their relationship ended.  He did continue to have a "internet" relationship with her for a while, and it bothered me.  A lot.

I couldn't understand why Zach would want to be friends with someone who hurt him so badly. It hurt me.  I felt as if he was still wanting to be with her.  He still wanted to live out his life he had planned out with her.  About 6 months into our relationship, we had a discussion on his relationship with her and I expressed how unhappy I was with his relationship.  When all was said and done, I asked him to choose.  Which one, me or her?

He obviously, ultimately chose me.  However he still, occasionally, speaks to her.  It has really bothered me in the past, to the point of feeling like I was "emotionally" cheated on.  (Mostly because he tries so hard to hide it.)

I am going to try and think of it as he didn't chose me, we were "meant to be".  Everything happens for a reason.  We have a beautiful family together, and will do whatever it takes to stay together forever.

What realizations have you had in your marriage recently?  Did you ever think marriage was so much work?  I know I sure didn't.

Forgiveness

I decided today that I am going to forgive my husband.

For the last several days I have been processing information.  Filing away all these little phrases from our conversation(s), and trying to make sense of it all.  Which is quite a difficult task when the conversation/phrases don't always make sense to you.

Aah, anyway.  I discovered Courtney through Money Saving Mom's blog last week, and I have been slowly watching all of her You-tube videos.  Here is the one that spoke to me the most: 




While this has been a challenging decision to come to, I am ready to jump in.

I believe that while my husband and I might not always agree or get along for that matter, we are meant for each other.  I do not believe that divorce is an option.  I will do anything to make my marriage work.  However, like I said before, some things will have to change in order for our marriage to become successful.

These are the things that I know for sure:  We will have our problems, we will get through them, and I will always love him.

The Diary of a Mad Woman

I am shaking I am so pissed off right now.

My only words to him were:  "Hand me my pillow and blanket".  His response: "Why?".  Me:  "Because I don't want to sleep with someone who talks to their ex-fiance."

I don't know, how would you have handled it?

I am fucking pissed.

Alright, here is how everything went down.  I asked him for his Facebook password so I would see the message from his Aunt regarding a "family reunion" we are attending on Sunday (they sent the details to him, and not to me....surprise, surprise (even after I requested the information be sent to me!)).  He offered up his fucked up password, and I logged into his account.

I do not ordinarily go through his personal shit (well, I did in the beginning of our relationship....but, he was being really shady), and this time was no exception.  I simply clicked on his messages and looked for the one from his Aunt.  But, guess what I found instead?  The first message in his inbox was from his ex, Amanda.  (Btw, I fucking hate that name....sorry if you are named Amanda and are reading this.  No offense to you, but this particular Amanda ruined the name for me.)

Now, I do have to say that the messages themselves were pretty harmless.  However, a couple things are bothering me.  One) Why didn't he tell me he decided to contact her?  Two) Why have a back and forth conversation throughout the day, while at work, but he can't answer me when I call him?  Three) What's with the "flirtatious" tone to his messages?

God, I feel like I am going to puke.

Shortly after I asked him for my pillow and blanket he came out into the living room and said that he needed to send her a message for "closure".  Shouldn't he have "closed" the "situation" before we got married?  Yeah, I think so.

I have an ex who tries to get in touch with me, from time to time.  And do you know something?  The first thing I do after I receive the text/e-mail/whatever is call Zach.  I ALWAYS let him know about anything I think might be "bad" for our relationship.  I want to be open and honest.  Apparently, he does not.  These "conversations" with my ex are nothing.  We ask how each other is doing, and about our families.  Then he says "he misses me", and I say I am happy in my marriage and do not want to have that type of relationship with him.  Then it's over....for at least a couple of months.

Anyway, I just received a text message from him (yes, he is just in the other room) saying that "he wants to talk".  I don't know what I have to say.  I think that I have been more than forgiving with him and "Amanda", and I am not sure if I can do it again.

Thanks for listening.

Sorry if there are any spelling/grammatical errors.  I am too upset to check over everything.  Maybe I will tomorrow....but for now you will just have to "read between the lines".  And I also apologize for the profanity.  I don't normally swear, well....except when I am upset.  Obviously.